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The primary mitzva within marriage is that a couple unite lovingly. The full expression of this unity is through the mitzva of ona, which connects the couple completely, body and soul. Each wishes to pleasure his or her partner to the best of their ability until they reach orgasm. The word ona has two meanings: 1) Time and frequency, meaning this mitzva must be fulfilled at regular intervals. 2) Responsiveness and reciprocity. The couple must respond to one another with pleasure and joy.
Since the stamina of a male is limited (more so than that of a female), the frequency with which he can engage in sexual relations is limited. Thus, the required frequency is based on his capability. For healthy, young men who are on vacation and relaxed, the mitzva applies every night. For men who are working, it applies twice a week; for those whose work is particularly taxing, once a week. If the couple are uncertain as to what category they are in, it is preferable for them to fulfill the mitzva twice a week, which is the average frequency for most people for most of their lives. For the young, three times a week is better; for the elderly, once a week is enough. Additionally, on mikveh night and on the night before one member of the couple is traveling, it is obligatory to fulfill the mitzva of ona. All this is presuming the woman is ritually pure. However, during nidda time, even touching is prohibited.
The mitzva must be fulfilled with passion and ecstasy, the husband trying to bring his wife as much joy and pleasure as possible, and the wife trying to bring her husband as much joy and pleasure as possible. The husband should bring complete joy to his wife, to the point where her joy and pleasure climax in orgasm. Short of this, their sexual relations may result in frustration, for the lead-up to orgasm builds up physical and psychological tension that is blissfully released upon orgasm. If she does not experience orgasm, her tensions and frustration will generally remain.
The wife has a mitzva to be responsive and to actively participate in the mitzva as best she can, for without her desire and efforts to increase their mutual pleasure, it is impossible to fulfill the mitzva. However, if she is so exhausted or tense that it will be difficult for her to achieve orgasm, she may choose to forgo it and suffice with sexual union that brings sweet pleasure but not complete bliss. This too is a fulfillment of the mitzva. Nevertheless, it is best to try to ensure that it does not happen too frequently. The wife’s orgasm need not take place during coitus itself; it is possible (and for most couples, it is best) for the husband to use manual stimulation to enable his wife to reach orgasm before him, and from this they proceed to the consummation of their sexual union.
The more a husband and wife give and receive pleasure at the set times (onot) of this mitzva, the better. This is also mandated by the mitzva of “Love your fellow as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18), which entails a spouse looking out for the good of the other to the best of their ability. Since the greatest physical and emotional pleasure is that shared by husband and wife, if a man deprives his wife of this enjoyable pleasure, he is being oppressive, since no other man can provide her with this joy.
The mitzva is also called derekh eretz, “the way of the world,” since every healthy person yearns for pleasurable sexual union, the greatest palpable physical pleasure a person can experience in this world. If a husband or wife does not feel that yearning, they must try to heal themselves, so that their sexual union will be joyful for both of them.
