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As well as the set obligation of the mitzva of ona, which for most men is twice a week, it is a mitzva for every husband to have sexual relations with his wife when she desires him, as long as he is capable of consummating the union with the proper joy. Thus, the mitzva of ona has two aspects (corresponding to the two meanings of the word, as we said above). First, there are set times, which provide a regular expression for the couple’s bond and mutual desire. Second, when the desire of one spouse is aroused, it is a mitzva and a duty for the other spouse to be responsive to the best of their ability.
A question arises regarding the first component of the mitzva. Why must the Torah establish set times for a couple to express their love for each other? Why not leave the frequency of the mitzva up to them?
It often happens that life’s demands grow as the years pass. Since sexual relations are no longer new and special as at first, the couple are liable to push it off, whether because of exhaustion, worry, aches and pains. However, each time they both agree to forgo the mitzva, their loving relationship is actually weakened. Deep in their hearts, each one is hurt that the other does not yearn for more intimacy, and when one does not initiate, the other also loses interest, deepening the sense of insult and the growing distance between them. Therefore, the mitzva of ona comes to instruct them to be intimate on a regular basis. Only on rare occasions, when they are especially tense, may they forgo the mitzva by mutual consent.
Another reason for the set times is that the mitzva must be done with full attentiveness, so the couple can truly enjoy themselves. The Sages assessed how frequently a couple can fulfill the mitzva of ona in a wholesome manner. If the husband goes too far beyond this frequency, there is concern it will become superficial for him, something he does just to satisfy his urges, without bringing proper pleasure to his wife. The unique joy of the mitzva would wane. Conversely, if the wife is interested in sexual relations more frequently than the husband is physically capable of, this may lead to trouble, emotional as well as physical.
Unfortunately, in modern society, marriage and intimacy are not a high priority, so many people live alone. In fact, some comprehensive studies have found that in large cities of the western world, most adults had not had sexual relations within the past year. Even among married people, many had not had relations more than once a month.
