)
When a person's parents are deserving of respect, commanding it is unnecessary since logic and natural morality promise it. What is innovative in the commandment is that even if parents are not clearly deserving of respect, such as when they are very difficult or have major character flaws, there is still a mitzva to respect them. The Sages tell us that even if a son was adorned in beautiful clothing and seated at the head table, and his parents came and tore his clothes, smacked his head, and spit in his face, he should still not embarrass them. Rather he should remain silent, thus showing his awe of the King of kings, Who commanded him to treat them reverentially.
Similarly, children whose parents are suffering from dementia should not embarrass them. The children should try to treat them with love and respect, to the extent possible under the circumstances, until God has mercy upon them. However, if they fight and get angry every time they get together, and the parents make unreasonable demands, it is best to minimize visits. Rather, the children should ask others to deal with them. If the parents need full-time help, the children should either hire someone to care for them or find a nursing home. If this is not possible and one of the children must become the caregiver, that child should do his or her best to stay calm and respectful.
Parents should make efforts not to become too much of a burden on their children, so as to avoid causing the children to sin by failing at the mitzva of honoring them. There is precedent for requiring parents to make efforts to avoid causing a child to sin. In the past, a Jewish court would punish a parent who hit an adult child, because the parent was likely to cause his child to become angry, and possibly even hit his parent back. It should be noted that even though there is a verse that states, “He who spares the rod hates his child” (Proverbs 13:24), and even though in the past parents thought that hitting children was a necessary part of education, corporal punishment should be avoided today.
