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It is a mitzva for all the first-degree relatives to put their lives on hold for a week and mourn the deceased, to honor his or her memory and elevate the soul. This honor is expressed by the mourners showing they identify with the deceased, and it is as if a part of them has died too. Just as the deceased is lying in the ground, so too the mourners sit on or near the ground. The deceased does not work, bathe, or apply lotion, and neither do the mourners. This identification can also inspire them to emulate the deceased’s good deeds, and this decision itself elevates the soul.
When possible, it is proper for the mourners to sit shiva together in the home of the deceased, to honor his or her memory. When necessary, they may sit together somewhere else, or divide up and sit in different places. The critical thing is that all the mourners sit shiva. When the primary shiva location is far from the home of one of the mourners, that mourner is permitted to spend part of the time sitting at home, so the neighbors there can offer comfort. It is customary to have a memorial candle lit for the entire seven-day mourning period.
The mourners may not leave the house. When it is difficult for a mourner to sleep where he is sitting shiva, he or she may discreetly travel back home to sleep. It is also permitted for a mourner to go home for Shabbat. (Sexual relations are forbidden during shiva.) If there is no minyan in the shiva house, the mourners may discreetly attend synagogue in order to say Kaddish.
We refer to people “sitting shiva” because the mourners sit on or near the ground. Even if they are sitting on mattresses or chairs less than three handsbreadths high (approximately 23 cm), they are considered to be sitting on the ground. Mourners with bad backs may sit on higher chairs or couches, but they should still try to sit lower than usual. Ideally, mourners should also sleep on mattresses on the floor, but they may sleep in bed if they find this difficult.
Mourners are not to go to work or engage in mundane activities during shiva, as they are meant to stay focused on the mourning. However, as we have mentioned above, they are allowed to make food for themselves and tidy up the house a bit. When necessary to avoid serious financial loss, they may speak discreetly and briefly about business matters.
Mourners should not greet people in the standard way as if everything was fine, nor should people greet them that way since clearly a mourner is not “fine.” Some also do not shake hands.
Mourners are not allowed to study Torah, because studying Torah is a joyful activity, and it might also distract from the mourning. However, there is a mitzva to study Torah texts that relate to mourning, repentance, or moral instruction.
Mourners may not wash for pleasure (even a finger), but they may rinse away dirt. Someone who sweats heavily may wash his body with lukewarm water. A woman in mourning may not put on makeup during the shiva, unless it is necessary to avoid embarrassment. Mourners during shiva may not wash clothing or sheets, wear freshly laundered garments, or sleep on freshly laundered sheets. However, a stain on clothing may be removed with water. Mourners may change their underwear as needed. If they need to change clothing because of the smell, they can take a freshly laundered item and place it on the floor so it is considered dirty, and then wear it. Mourners may not use skin-care creams, but medicinal creams may be applied.
Mourners may not shave or get haircuts. This prohibition extends for thirty days. For those mourning a parent, the prohibition extends even longer. They may not get a haircut until their friends reproach them for having hair that is too long, and the time has come to have it cut.
Efforts should be made to hold the three-times daily prayer services in the shiva house, to elevate the soul of the departed. When possible, a Torah scroll should be borrowed from a synagogue so the Torah reading can take place on Monday and Thursday morning. Immediately before or after the services, it is customary to share words of moral instruction and Torah, especially mishna (as the Hebrew letters of mishna are the same as those of neshama, “soul”). On Shabbat, the custom is for the mourners to pray in the synagogue.
