If someone realizes they have hurt another person, it is a mitzva to repent and to make things right before confessing one’s sin to God. There are three primary stages of repentance:
1) Feeling bad, regretting, and resolving to change. We must understand that what we did was a sin, feel bad about it, and resolve not to do it again.
2) Making it right. We must do our best to repair the negative consequences of our actions. If we spoke lashon ha-ra about someone, we should do our best to undo the damage by disavowing the derogatory comments and repeatedly praising the person.
3) Asking forgiveness of the other person. When we ask for forgiveness, we must spell out what we did wrong, apologize, and commit ourselves not to repeat it. In cases in which spelling out the sin will likely cause the other person great pain, it is preferable not to do so. However, in such cases, we must try even harder to undo the damage.
Forgiveness may be requested in person, by phone, or in writing. If we think the other person might be more receptive if the request is made through an intermediary, we should use an intermediary. If the person was so badly hurt they are not willing to forgive, the offender should request forgiveness three more times, each time in front of three people. If the offended person still refuses to forgive, the offender does not have to make any further effort.
The injured party should be forgiving and not cruel, as all people are liable to make mistakes and to sin. Just as we want those we have hurt to forgive us, so too should we forgive those who have hurt us. However, if someone causes another monetary damage, there is no mitzva for the injured party to forgive before the damage is paid for. Similarly, if someone damages another’s good name, there is no obligation for the injured party to forgive the offender until they correct the damage they caused.
