When we have been hurt by another person and not reproached them, we are likely to start hating them. We often harbor a desire for revenge, or at least hold a grudge. Therefore, the Torah commands us, “You shall not hate your brother in your heart. Reprove your fellow but incur no guilt because of him. You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the members of your nation. Love your fellow as yourself; I am the Lord” (Leviticus 19:17-18).
How does the Torah define “vengeance” and “grudge bearing”? Let us say Reuven asks Shimon to lend him a hammer and Shimon refuses. Later, Shimon asks Reuven to lend him a screwdriver. If Reuven responds, “I’m not going to lend you the screwdriver because you didn’t lend me the hammer,” he is guilty of taking revenge. If instead he responds, “Look, I’m not mean like you. You didn’t lend me the hammer, but I have pity on the pathetic person you are, and therefore I will lend you the screwdriver,” he is guilty of bearing a grudge. The Sages offer an analogy to explain how such behavior is self-defeating. A person trips and hurts his hand. Is it conceivable his hand would then pick up a hammer and break his foot as revenge? Of course not, because the hand and foot are part of one whole. So too, every Jew is an essential part of one whole. If one of us hurts another, it makes no sense for the other to retaliate, as that simply adds to our total pain and misery.
What should we do instead though? The best thing is to rebuke the other person gently and lovingly, to pre-empt any bad feeling developing. Preferably one should do this before the other person needs to ask for a favor, as by that point any type of reproach is likely to be hurtful. If, despite the importance of the mitzva of rebuke, we prefer to avoid it, either due to embarrassment or because of fear it would just make the situation worse, we must let go of our hurt feelings. Since we have not rebuked the other person, we have no right to be angry with them. While we may choose to distance ourselves from the person so as not to get hurt again, we cannot ignore them or treat them as an enemy. If we meet them by chance, we should greet them cordially, and help them wholeheartedly if they request a favor.
Observing these mitzvot puts an end to most feuds. Even if one side behaves badly, a feud cannot be sustained as long as the other side abstains from revenge and grudges. When we succeed in overcoming the evil inclination and avoid hating others, bearing grudges, and exacting revenge, we acquire the trait of humility. This allows us to look benevolently upon the world, to enjoy life, and to direct our energies towards developing our talents and carrying out our mission. As an extra benefit, we will have more friends and fewer enemies.
